Hard feelings with Always the Almost

 

Hello, today I’m talking about a book that has been sat on one of my wishlists for I couldn’t tell you how long. It’s Always the Almost by Edward Underhill. Again, couldn’t tell you how long it has been sat on my wishlist. I think it was one of those that I added one day when I was looking for something to read, and then I just kept happening to choose other things.

The blurb says that sixteen-year-old trans boy Miles Jacobson has two New Year’s resolutions. 1. Win back his ex-boyfriend (and star of the football team) Shane McIntyre. 2. Finally beat his slimy arch-nemesis at the Midwest’s biggest classical piano competition. But that’s not going to be so easy. For one thing, Shane broke up with Miles two weeks after Miles came out as trans, and now Shane’s stubbornly ignoring, even when they literally bump into each other. Plus, Miles’s new, slightly terrifying piano teacher keeps telling him that he’s playing like he “doesn’t know who he is” – whatever that means. Then Miles meets the new boy in town, Eric Mendez, a proudly queer cartoonist from Seattle who asks his pronouns, cares about art as much as he does – as makes his stomach flutter. Not what he needs to be focusing on right now. Bus after Eric and Miles pretend to dates so they can score an invite to a couples-only Valentine’s party, the ruse turns real with a kiss, which is also definitely not in the plan. If only Miles could figure out why Eric likes him so much. After all, it’s not like he’s cool or confident or comfortable in his own skin. He’s not even good enough at piano to get his fellow competitors to respect him… especially now, as Miles. Nothing’s ever been easy for him as for other people – other boys. He’s only ever been almost enough. So why, when he’s with Eric, does it feel like the only person he’s ever not been enough for… is himself?

Anyway, besides the mammoth blurb here, the opening chapters do have Miles briefly trying to convince Shane that he’s the same person he was as before he came out, despite not fully believing it himself, and then being kicked out of piano lessons by their current teacher to a new one – Stefania, who was a camp icon, I can’t lie – throughout the entire book. I loved Stefania, just as a whole. She’s that kind of character who is literally a character. A very Russian lady (who you learn has an even more Russian friend, Yula), with a massive dog and the blandest husband. But Miles, since I was talking about Miles, not Stefania! You find out that he’s in the very early stages of his transition, and I think that leant itself to how he viewed himself. Even for himself, everything was very fresh. Things would absolutely make sense in his head when it came to him being the same person, because to him he would be. He’s the only one that can see inside his own head and his trans identity, whereas, unless he was voicing it to everyone the moment he began realising his trans identity, they wouldn’t see it until he started actively making changes.

I mean this point nicely. I enjoyed seeing the struggle Miles had of not believing himself in being trans since, while I’m not trans, I sort of have a similar relationship with relationship to masculinity. But as I’ve just mentioned above, Miles is very early on in his transition – no hormones, no surgery, and I know he did give a timeline in the book, but I think it had even only been a few months since he had cut his hair short (I could be wrong about that fact, but I remember there was a timeline), so since it was all so fresh, in the whole realm of things he is still the same, but everyone around him is adjusting to how he appears to them now. While he still is the same person, just living as his authentic self now, of course he’s going to appear different to everyone around him, which in turn is going to unfortunately force him to question whether he’s man enough.

Miles’ friends Rachel and Paige. The two of them dating throughout the book, and you see the conversation of Miles feeling like the third wheel, until it ultimately blows up where Miles is told that he only thinks about himself in their triangle. But obviously Miles will do that when Rachel and Paige have each other. There’s also the part where we’re told (I’ll be honest, it’s been a while between me reading the book and writing this, so I think it was Paige) is thinking that she’s frustrated because she feels lumped in with Rachel and doesn’t get to be her own person and do her own thing.

This is the kind of romance book that I like. I’ve definitely said this before that I think romance is my favourite genre, but I need something going on besides the romance, and something more than just a thinly veiled suggestion of a plot. We had the whole arc of Miles going through his piano lessons with Stefania, then within that there were things like suit fitting, and getting a tie, where you get to see Miles properly feeling like a man. But then in the piano lessons, there was the tri-state competition so the whole time that the romance was going on, everything, every but of tension and stress, was building up to this. Within the competition, there were a few side characters that never really got expansion. I didn’t necessarily have a problem with this since at the actual competition, Miles mentions how he only sees the people, even his “competition friends” at the competitions, so barely actually knows anything about them and even mentions that until the one we see in the book, he didn’t think he’d ever told any of them good luck.

I fear that this post and the next one are going to both suffer from the issue of me reading the books on trains. I’d usually read when I’m in bed, and if I’m reading then, I can make notes as I read. Now, can I do that on a train? Yes. But do I do it? No. Usually I make a handful of notes in the form of singular sentences on my notes app and hope for the best. And that’s what this ending is. I really liked this book. There you go. I’m disappointed that I left it on my to be read for as long as I did because it was definitely taking off of the pile.

Okay, bye!